The Enabled
by Gater101
Summary: John leaves Atlantis on an undercover mission to help rid the galaxy of the Wraith. But what will become of him and the power he holds? Will Atlantis be able to survive without their strongest link?
1. Prologue

Title: The Enabled  
Summary: John leaves Atlantis on an undercover mission to help rid the galaxy of the Wraith. But will become of him and the power he holds? Will Atlantis be able to survive without their strongest link?  
Characters: Everyone  
Pairing: Teyla/Kanaan, Teyla-John, Other  
Rating: T/PG-15  
A/N: This is an AU that I'm not quite sure about... Some of the 'magic' references have been taken liberally from _Harry Potter _but don't worry; John's not a wizard, lol.

In the bleak grey room of yet another underground secret facility, John sat at the opposite end of a table from General Jack O'Neill and a mound of folders and pictures and sheets of paper. He'd read them over countless times and still couldn't quite be sure what he'd read.

"Are you _sure _you want to do this?" O'Neill asked him, for the third time and for the third time John nodded quickly.

"Every little helps, doesn't it?"

The General shifted uncomfortably – something John wasn't used to seeing – and shuffled the sheets of paper in front of him again and again. He sighed and looked up to meet his eyes.

"We don't even know if it will-"

"We don't know that it won't."

O'Neill conceded with a nod and half a smile before laying the papers in front of him to rest.

"We wouldn't ask you to do this if-"

"It has to be me, I know."

There was a cold resolution in his tone that even O'Neill flinched at and John took a breath, glancing around the room again before settling on the General. If he didn't know any better, he would think the General was trying to talk him out of the mission. He probably was. It _was _dangerous but it was also necessary.

"You're the only one who is Enabled that they will trust." John's eyebrows shifted at that and he tried to keep any emotion from showing on his face, even though they were warring in his gut. But one question kept flashing across his mind with burning intensity, the only one that O'Neill couldn't - or wouldn't – answer: 'Why me?'. There was another poignant pause and John shifted slightly, drawing O'Neill's attention. The General watched him for a moment before leaning forward heavily onto his elbows. "If you go through with this, you'll not be able to go back to Atlantis for a while. Maybe not ever."

John flinched at that and thought about his home. They'd been at war with the Wraith for three years, were under constant threat and had to change planet almost every week to keep even half a step ahead of the Wraith who always seemed to know where they were. They'd had a huge turnover of staff in the past few months, trying to flush out any moles but if there was one, they'd never found them. He had the chance, now, to try and turn the tide of the war in favour of Atlantis, for once. It wasn't even a question of whether to go through with it.

"I know." He looked away from O'Neill's unusually emotive face and concentrated on the wall behind him. "I can live with that."

"With leaving everyone behind?"

John snapped his eyes back to the General and had to hold back the instant glare the words brought to his eyes.

"I'm not leaving them behind!"

O'Neill flinched slightly at that.

"I didn't mean it that way. I know what they want you to do... if you have any regret, anything – they will use it against you. It might use itself against you and you wouldn't even know it."

"I've made my choice."

O'Neill finally nodded. John sank back into his chair. Had he really? The last thing they would need was for him to turn to the so called dark side. What then? What would happen – not only to Atlantis and the war but to him? He shook his head slightly. He couldn't think that way.

"I will be your contact," O'Neill said as he slipped something from his pocket, sliding it across the table to him. He reached out and picked up the small oval device; it was cool in his hand and he looked up to O'Neill with a frown on his face. "You'll know what to do with it." John nodded and slipped it into his pocket. "We don't know how long the... initial change will take but you need to contact us as soon as possible." John nodded. "We made sure that was part of the deal, so they know to make sure you get in touch with us, just in case."

At that moment, the door slid open and a hooded figure stepped into the room and John glanced back to O'Neill before turning back to the cloaked figure. Dressed in dark gray, the figure was at least six foot five; there was no skin visible amidst the swath of robes, not even hands. He didn't speak.

"Hey," John murmured caustically and the hood twitched but the face remained invisible.

"He's an Unspeakable," O'Neill informed him with a quirk of his eyebrow.

John looked back to the figure and couldn't help but snigger slightly.

"Fitting." O'Neill and John shared a half-hearted smile at that.

"He's here to take you away then alter my memory so I forget what they told me to tell you."

John turned back to O'Neill, shocked.

"And you agreed to that?"

"Part of the deal," he said with a shrug but John could see that the nonchalance behind it was forced. "It was either that or they took me and I think we both know my knees aren't really up to the job."

John couldn't bring the expected smile to his lips, so he settled for a stare instead. O'Neill shrugged again.

"Have you finished?" The cloak asked and O'Neill glanced once more to John who nodded again then O'Neill mirrored the movement. The Unspeakable stepped forward and lifted his arm, a long, pale hand extending from inside the wide sleeve to touch O'Neill's forehead. John listened as he murmured a few words in an undistinguishable language for a few seconds before a small glow swept from his finger across the General's face before sinking into his skin. O'Neill's eyes fluttered shut for a moment before he blinked a few times, glancing around the room. "You may leave," the Unspeakable dismissed him.

O'Neill stood on command, glanced from the Unspeakable to the papers spread out on the table and then to Sheppard. He met Sheppard's eye and nodded once.

"Good luck."

John smiled faintly and nodded. O'Neill was out the door before he could murmur his thanks.

"Are you prepared, John Sheppard?"

John had suddenly lost his voice so he nodded instead. The Unspeakable reached into an invisible pocket and pulled out a small cup-like device and held it in the palm of his hand. With a flick of his other wrist, the Unspeakable had made the papers on the desk disappear. John's eyebrows lifted and he turned back to the Unspeakable.

"Cool?"

"Touch this," the figure said and held out the device, still tucked into his upturned hand. John hesitated but lifted his hand anyway. "Your transformation will begin momentarily."

John wanted to ask what transformation because he sure as hell hadn't been told about any transformation but his finger had already skimmed the edge of the cup before he could even think about pulling it back. There was a flash of light, a burning pain and then darkness.

--

In the mess hall, Teyla sat around a table with her team mates sipping on a cup of morning tea. It was quieter than normal, as it had been for the last three days, around the table and Teyla's eyes continued to wander to the empty space her team leader normally occupied.

Seeing the direction of her gaze, Rodney set down his own cup of coffee and asked no one in particular-

"Where is he? He's been gone for days!"

Ronon shrugged and Teyla smiled weakly over to him but mirrored Ronon's shrug.

"I am sure whatever your people wanted with him, it was important."

"We're supposed to be moving the City today – what could be more important than that?"

Teyla couldn't hide the deep sigh that made its way out of her lips. They had never had to move the City without John Sheppard and despite practice, Carson could not sustain the necessary concentration to move the City very far. If the Colonel did not return today, it would seem that their journey today would not be long distance. After the attack from a Wraith hive ship two nights before, she only hoped it was far enough.

"I do not know, Rodney."

"Well it's ridiculous keeping him from doing-"

"All key and military personnel to the Gate room. All key and military personnel t the Gate room."

The team shared a worried glance, wondering at the odd summons but rose anyway and followed the thick throng of airmen and marines through the corridors to the Gate room. Once there, Kanaan stepped to her side from the control room and she looked up to him puzzled.

"What is happening?" She asked and he shrugged in a very Earth like manner.

"General O'Neill arrived moment ago and asked that he have an audience with-"

"Yes, yes, yes but what does he want?"

Teyla turned her scolding gaze on Rodney who simply brushed it off with a huff.

"I am unsure."

"Is Sheppard with him?"

Kanaan met her eyes for a moment before answering in the negative.

"He is alone."

"Hey," Major Lorne said as he appeared in front of Teyla, looking around the buzzing room. "What's going on?"

"Don't know," Ronon responded and Lorne nodded, turning to face the control room where General O'Neill had appeared at the overlook. Teyla could not explain the tightness in her stomach and reached instinctively for Kanaan's hand. He turned to her and smiled, squeezing her hand in return. It was no comfort.

"Hey!" O'Neill shouted over the din in the Gate room and Teyla smiled at his unorthodox approach at garnering attention, though she knew she should not have been surprised – it was the same whenever he addressed them. Doctor Weir stepped to his side, ready to step in but the din had dropped and silence fell over the group. "I have some good news and some bad news." Teyla closed her eyes for a moment. "Colonel Sheppard has been reassigned."

There was a chorus of "What!" around the room and Teyla watched as Elizabeth turned to the General, obviously hearing this news for the first time, too. Teyla watched their interaction for a moment before she felt a tug on her arm. She turned to Rodney who was babbling and to Ronon who was frowning but unspeaking.

"Did he mention this to you?" Lorne asked her and she turned back to find his confused expression. She was sure hers mirrored his and shook her head. Lorne looked like he wanted to say something else but O'Neill called for their attention once again and he turned away.

"Because of this, as Executive Officer, Major Lorne will take over military command of Atlantis." There was a pause as O'Neill searched Lorne out in the crowd. "Congratulations, Lieutenant Colonel."

The silence rung loudly for a few long moments and Teyla broke it by stepping forward and pressing a hand to Lorne's back.

"Congratulations, Evan."

She stepped away as others stepped up to him, and she looked up to where O'Neill had been but he nowhere to be seen. She followed the tunnel to Elizabeth's office where she saw her commander and General O'Neill in what appeared to be a heated argument. She stepped away, pushing her way through the crowd, aware of a group of people following her. In the corridor she stopped and her team and Kanaan surrounded her, firing questions without really expecting answers.

"Reassigned?"

"What did he do?"

"Where to?"

"Why didn't he tell us?"

"What does this mean?"

It was Ronon who voiced her own unasked question.

"Did he ask for this?"

As the others quieted at the question, she couldn't help but wonder how much of this was her fault.


	2. Chapter One

_**Eleven Months Later**_

They had been waiting to hear from operatives within the local Hive network for news on whether or not their position had been made. They had had to move the City seven times in the last month and they didn't know whether the security breach was someone in Atlantis or one of the operatives on the Hives. Resources at Atlantis Base were spread far too thin for them to properly enable a task force to seek out the breach.

Since Sheppard's departure almost a year before she had been asked to step up and lead Team One and she had done so with gusto. With the continued attacks on her team and the City the fourth member of her team was rotated around between Marines, Army men and Air men and while the rolling rota to her team was necessary, it was difficult to learn to trust a soldier when it was possible they would only be on the team for the one mission. Kanaan despised Teyla's new role within the City; he hated that she had opened herself up to even more danger than she already had by deciding to be a part of Team One in the first place. It surprised Teyla sometimes, how easy it was to fit into the role of 'Earthling' and she wondered, not for the first time, if at some point during the fray of the last few years she had lost a part of who she was. Being around soldiers day in and day out and living life constantly on the edge had hardened her; she had been forced by necessity to give up her ideals about the Ancestors and while her people were beginning to realise it, she felt that her disbelief had left her isolated from her people.

Woolsey despised her team – he hated that the first line of defence for Atlantis was a team led by an alien female, whose second in command was a soldier from another planet, whose third member was a scientist and whose fourth member changed every few days. Teyla could understand it; at least with Sheppard he'd had some level of control over the team but with Teyla being a 'rogue' in a sense, he could not rightly order her around. Being confidant to Elizabeth and Lorne had its upsides, at least.

Due to the shortage of staff on Base, Teyla found her and her team a man down out on a mission to try and seek contact with yet another informant. She stayed hunched low, her weapon tucked tightly in her arm and watched the entryway for any signs of movement. Oh all the informants, she trusted this Wraith the least. While it was true that Todd had yet to let them down, she could not help but feel that he was waiting for the opportunity to call in the favours he had earned. She knew he was. And for the life of her, she could not figure out what that favour of his was going to be. And she did not like it. It had been Todd's former Hive Queen who had culled Teyla's planet only years before; as a result, she had no faith in him. It was only out of some sense of loyalty to Sheppard and his instincts that she did not shoot the Wraith on sight.

"Something's not right," Ronon whispered over to her from his place against the tree on the other side of the small clearing. She met his eyes and nodded, noting the way his eyes flickered to Rodney. The scientist looked pale, the grip on his weapon causing his knuckles to whiten. It had been a long time since she had seen him look so terrified on a mission and she cast her eyes back to Ronon, worried. "McKay?"

Rodney's eyes skittered from Teyla to Ronon and back to the entryway to the clearing. She could see him shudder.

"Rodney?" She said again, her eyes on his face. He looked ashen, paler than pale and his hands shook, the weapon shuddering slightly in his grasp. When his hand slipped, she could see the imprint of his sweaty palm on the metal. "Rodney?" She said again, feeling her own panic rise at the sight of his. "What is it?"

"Can't you feel that?" He asked, his voice strained as though he was trying to stop his words from wavering as they left his throat. Teyla paused a moment and closed her eyes, reaching out with her mind for any sense of the danger that Rodney so obviously felt.

"I feel nothing," she stated quietly, flickering her eyes to Ronon who was, thankfully, still watching the clearing.

"It's so _cold_," he said and Teyla reached out with her senses again. While it was not warm, it certainly wasn't cold. "I feel sick," he said quickly before turning on hi haunches and emptying the contents of his stomach in the long grass. Teyla broke from her position after motioning to Ronon and made her way to him, her hand coming to rest on his back.

"Rodney, talk to me. What are you feeling?"

She shuddered, gagging again and Teyla winced for him.

"There's something about this place that makes my skin crawl." Teyla agreed but evidently for entirely different reasons.

"We have been here many times before and you have never had this reaction."

Rodney heaved again but his stomach was empty and he eventually sat back on his haunches, taking care not to stick his foot in his sick. He wiped his brow and Teyla noticed the beads of sweat were quick to return.

"I know," he murmured dismally and Teyla unlatched his water bottle from his bag and handed it him, turning to Ronon for a quick update while Rodney rinsed his mouth. "You said it yourself – something's not right. We should go back."

Teyla turned back to Rodney and frowned.

"You know we cannot do that, Rodney." He eyed her, the whites of his eyes bloodshot. "We need to hear what he has to say; we can't risk the City."

"Incoming," Ronon hissed and Teyla looked quickly to Rodney who nodded and picked up his gun. Teyla rolled back to her position and flicked the safety off her P-90. She scanned the clearing and on the other end she saw the swish of black that signalled Todd's arrival. "He's not alone."

Teyla nodded in agreement.

"He never is," she replied. She waited until Todd stood in the clearing before she stepped out from behind her tree, weapon poised and ready for the attack she was never sure wouldn't come. Todd eyed her and she could tell from the tilt of his head that he was amused by her actions. "Todd," Teyla greeted coldly and stepped out into the grassy clearing flanked on either side by her team members. She took in the two guards Todd had brought with him, her eyes scanning the tree line for further activity.

"After all this time and you still don't trust me."

"Forgive us," Teyla said with no true desire to be forgiven – especially not by him.

Todd smiled.

"Of course."

There was a rustle in the trees to her left and all of them turned quickly to it, pointing weapons. Teyla waited, breathless for a second, secretly pleased that Todd seemed as surprised by the noise as they were. She watched the tree line, eyes scanning and probing. Eventually, a small mammal loped out of the undergrowth and Teyla let her breath out. She saw Todd's two guards lower their stunners slightly and she gave the nod to lower their own weapons.

She didn't flick the safety on.

"What is it you want to tell us, Todd?"

Todd was suddenly serious.

"You are not safe where you are."

"How do you know where we are?" Rodney countered, indignant that the precautions he took to ensure their safety seemed to have been overridden easily by Todd.

Todd smirked, his eyes flicking to Rodney then back to Teyla.

"I have my ways." He took a step forward and Teyla's gun hitched higher instinctively. Todd appeased her by showing her his empty hands. "Your lack of faith in me is heart breaking," Todd said lightly but Teyla did not respond. "Others who have much more crude technology than I have been tracking you."

"How?" Teyla asked.

Todd shrugged his shoulders and Teyla narrowed her eyes.

"I do not know how _they _have been tracking you. I, however, simply follow the tracking device I implanted on the city the last time I was there."

Teyla heard Ronon's gun power up and she was slow to give the order for him to stand down.

"You had no right-"

"I had to know where you were."

"By compromising our position?"

Todd tilted his head and assessed her for a moment.

"It is not because of my device that you are being tracked. I even checked to ensure there were no other Wraith tracking devices attached to the City for you and found none."

"Why should we trust you?"

"Why indeed?" Silence fell over the clearing for a long moment then Todd laughed. "I have too much invested in your City to allow another to destroy it." Teyla felt a chill run down her spine at that. "Doctor McKay, it has been a long time since you have been so nervous in my presence. Are you well?"

"Fine," McKay answered sharply and from the corner of her eye Teyla saw him look up. She fought the urge to do the same. "What the..."

Teyla ducked instinctively as something swooped above her. She felt her body impact with the hard ground beneath her and she quickly rolled onto her back, pointing the muzzle of her gun upwards. Three long strobes of blackness streaked across the sky, almost like the Wraith implanted visions. She turned her weapon on Todd, rolling on her front to take aim at him but he too was cowering. His guards were shooting their stunners off at the streaks of black and Teyla felt a sudden chill. She looked over to Rodney but he was lying motionless on the ground, one of the black figures looming over him. Teyla shot at it but the figure turned to smoke and disappeared only to reappear on the other side of the clearing. A streak of red flashed by her head and she recognised the discharge of Ronon's weapon but the blackness was faster. It streaked by them again, then another. She felt something brush her back and she spun away from it, lashing out with her fist but the mist disintegrated again and appeared a foot away from her. She swung her P-90 up and took aim, fired off a few shots but it was futile.

She heard the shouts of Todd, Ronon's weapon discharging as he shot at just about anything that moved. The Wraith guard were motionless on the ground and Todd held a stunner in each hand firing as wildly as Ronon. She spun in a circle, making her way to Rodney, firing off shot after shot at the blackness. She crouched down beside him, never taking her eyes off the jolting black figures – she could call them figures now, she recognised a face in one as she had tried to punch it – and checked for McKay's pulse. It was there, and strong. He was just passed out.

The three black figures stopped their flight, seemed to be in discussion with one another and then they turned, moving in around Todd. Teyla fired at them, knowing only that Todd knew too much about Atlantis for him to be taken by whatever these things were. She could hear Todd's shouts of protest, the stunner going off and the blast of her P-90. Then there was faint pop and the three figures and Todd disappeared.

Disoriented, but on senses powered by adrenaline, she fell to her knees beside Rodney and checked him over while keeping an eye out for the return of the black figures. After a few long minutes, she decided that they had gotten their target and lowered her weapon to tend to Rodney. She slapped his face a few times and splashed some water over his forehead too. Eventually, he opened his eyes and blinked. He looked around then stared up at Teyla.

"Hey... I feel better!"

Ronon slumped down on the other side of him and Teyla looked up to meet his eye. He looked pale. She looked down to where his hand was clutching his stomach and she gasped when she saw the red liquid pool through his fingers. She looked up to his eyes again, startled. He cocked a half grin in her direction and shrugged.

"You shot me."

--

John was standing at the balcony looking down on the atrium when Jez and Zahara rushed to him. Jez, his immediate superior looked flustered as he descended on John's position. John turned to him as he approached, pushing himself up from his leaning posture and looked Jez over as he thrust something at John's chest.

"This place," he said as he cast an image into John's mind of a glass office, a tunnel, a wide open blue room. "You've been here. You need to take us there. It's time."

He nodded, assessed the mood of those around him and closed his eyes. He recalled the image Jez had placed in his mind, fixing the things he somehow knew were wrong. It was a control room, one he had been to before but had no recollection of. He could feel the tug. He held his hands out without opening his eyes and he felt Jez and Zahara grip his forearms – idiots were too macho to hold his hand. When he felt their grip was firm enough he drew from the room around him and let the tug take him.

In the atrium, after their departure, there were a few Unspeakables left more emotionally drained than before.

--

Teyla couldn't support both of her men so she insisted Rodney walk himself back to 'Gate. Ronon had refused her help but after he tripped and fell, almost breaking his nose, he relented and let her guide him through the thick undergrowth.

"What was it you felt, Rodney?"

Rodney shrugged again and hacked away at a few branches, uncomplaining. Teyla knew then that something was seriously wrong.

"Like the air had been sucked out of my lungs and that my blood was screaming to get out."

"Nice," Ronon grunted as he glared at the back of McKay's head.

"You asked."

"What do you think it was?"

"No idea."

"Perhaps Carson-"

"I'll be fine."

They didn't discuss it further as they made their way back to the 'Gate. Once there, Rodney dialled without instruction and sent through their IDC. She felt Ronon pull away from her and she rolled her eyes at his macho-ism. Some men were just too proud.

In the 'Gate Room, Teyla let Carson tend to Ronon and she motioned to a technician who quickly came to her side, his eyes scanning her body in search of injury.

"I would like you to do a full check up on Dr McKay," she said and left it at that. The technician raised his eyebrow and Teyla stared at him for a long moment. "Please."

He paused for a moment and Teyla continued to watch him, her stare quickly forming into a glare.

"Okay," he said quickly and rushed off to McKay's side. Moments later, Rodney turned to her and glared before sulkily following after Ronon's gurney.

She made her way up the stairwell, and suddenly felt very tired. She scrubbed a hand down her face, brushing off the glare the Marine sent the P-90 still strapped to her vest. In these times, she could not be too sure.

She turned to look into Elizabeth's office, seeing her friend there and made to move towards the office when there was a strange pull in the room. It lasted only a few seconds but when a thick black smoke appeared, transforming into three figures she – and the Marines around the control room – drew their weapons. Half a second later, there were three figures in the control room that should not have been there and two quickly stepped away from the one in the middle.

Teyla felt the air leave her in a rush. She knew that figure. Had he returned? Surely...

The three figures moved towards Elizabeth's office, where Elizabeth was standing, mouth agape at the sight of the three cloaked figures moving towards her. She followed, her weapon raised and she heard Marines shout orders for the three figures to stop but they did not. She heard safeties click and she wanted nothing more than to call out to tell them to stand down but she couldn't; her voice was frozen in her throat and she couldn't get any words out. The weapons sailed through the air and clattered to the floor in the centre of the control room. Only Teyla still held hers. She turned back to the three figures and followed closely behind them to Elizabeth's office.

She had to know.

"You must leave this place," one said – the shorter one with dark hair as he took position in front of Elizabeth's desk.

"Excuse me?"

"We cannot protect your people if you stay here."

She knew that voice. She watched as the owner of the voice took residence at the other side of Elizabeth's desk and for the second time in as many minutes, Teyla felt the air clog in her lungs. There stood John Sheppard, dressed from neck to toe in black, a pillowing cloak around his shoulders. His eyes were black, unrecognisable and his skin was paler but there was no mistaking him. She would know that man, that voice, that _hair _anyway.

"John?" It was Elizabeth who asked.

"You know me?"

Teyla couldn't breathe. She opened her mouth with the intention of sucking in air but there was none to be had, none at all and she was barely aware of being crowded from behind as Marines moved into the room. An invisible barrier held them back.

"He has no memory of this place," the shorter one said and Teyla sucked in a quick breath but it wasn't enough. She gasped and choked and stared at the man she had known for years, the man she had been set to marry. But he wasn't that man. Her chest ached, the pain worse than the day that he had left and she hadn't thought anything would be worse than that.

No memory of this place? How...

"What?"

"You must leave this place. Our power here is useless."

"How did you get into my City?"

There was a hesitation and the two other men glanced fleetingly at Sheppard. His black eyes questioned them and they stared back to Elizabeth.

"The wards set up by the Council allow his passage."

"Wards?"

"Yes."

"I don't-"

"You must leave, at once." He held his hand out and Teyla was surprised to see a roll of something in his hand about a meter long. That hadn't been there before. "We have charted safe planets."

Elizabeth unrolled the paper and found that it was a very detailed star map. Teyla could see that much from here.

"We've been to all of these planets. We were attacked by Wraith on each one." She faltered and looked up to John again, her gaze questioning. "Who are you?"

"Who we are is not your concern," John said, his voice silky smooth but with that same note of authority that had used to drive her wild. "You did not sustain damage on any of these planets. It is safe for you to return to one."

"You have no say here-"

"We do. More than you know," the short one said cryptically and Teyla looked over to Elizabeth who was frowning. "Your General O'Neill knows of us."

"Who are you?"

"Leave this place. Or we cannot help you."

The short one nodded to John and he walked back around the desk, his gait confident and assured and Teyla felt a sudden surge of lust hit her and she felt her knees weaken at the sight of his black eyes focussing on her in a querying way. She held his gaze for a long moment before he frowned slightly and turned away.

There had been no recognition in his eyes at all.

There was a long moment where Elizabeth spoke to the unusual trio but they had apparently said all that needed to be said for they did not speak. Teyla felt an energy in the room and she watched as the two men gripped onto John's forearms and for a moment Teyla felt a strange pull.

"John..." she whispered and the pull went away. The figure in the middle turned back to her, his gaze fierce – or fiery? – and she tried to take a step forward but she rebounded off of the barrier that had stopped her from advancing further into Elizabeth's office. She watched him, and for a moment she was sure she saw the blackness recede to a warm brown but it was gone in an instant and he had turned from her again.

There was a swirl of black smoke, a soft pop and then there was nothing.


	3. Chapter Two

--

Where John's situation is explained, an Unspeakable takes an instant dislike to Teyla, Teyla's 'gift' is attacked, John's heritage is hinted at, Kanaan and Teyla's relationship is strained, Weir gets annoyed and O'Neill is serious about something.

--

_**Chapter Two**_

"How could you not tell us about this?" Doctor Elizabeth Weir was livid. Her cheeks were flushed and her eyes were ablaze with a fury that Teyla had rarely seen on anyone in Atlantis, let alone Elizabeth. Teyla could understand that very same frustration that Elizabeth felt; she felt it too, if not deeper and stronger but she could not bring herself to raise her voice. She was still extremely confused.

"We told you it was an undercover mission; you didn't need to know anything else," Woolsey commented and Teyla turned her gaze on him, taking no small amount of delight in the way his features shifted slightly before he looked away from her stare.

"How can you even _think _about saying that?" Weir demanded and Woolsey flinched under her heavy stare. "You could have told us something more than that, surely!"

"To be honest," O'Neill began and Teyla felt her skin prickle at the dismissive tone the General used, "we _couldn't _have given you more information than we did."

"Really? How is that?" Rodney asked, his usual condescension shining through in his tone. Teyla smiled tightly to him when he flicked his gaze in her direction.

Initially, the meeting (demanded by Elizabeth after the shock of seeing John – with no memory of Atlantis – wore off) had not included any of Sheppard's former team mates but when Teyla and Rodney had refused to leave Elizabeth's side in the briefing room, the two representatives from Earth were forced to acquiesce to their demand for information. Teyla's eyes flickered again to the man at the back of the room who had yet to say anything. He was dressed similarly to how John had been dressed, only his robes were a deep maroon colour that only highlighted how pale and tired the man looked.

They called him an Unspeakable. Teyla thought the name was fitting.

"It's _difficult _to explain," O'Neill began, wincing slightly as he thought of the best way to explain himself. None of the occupants in the room showed him any pity. "When Sheppard agreed to this, one of their Unspeakables wiped my memory. But not really because I still knew where Sheppard was and what he was doing, vaguely, but they removed each and every detail of _exactly _what he was doing."

"So what is he then?" Rodney asked again and this time, an answer looked promising.

O'Neill glanced to Woolsey, who turned to the man at the back of the room. He stepped forward and Teyla was instantly struck by how attractive the man was, despite his tired appearance. She looked away.

"He is what we call an Enabled."

"Yeah but what _is _he."

"He is human, like you or I." Rodney snorted. "There have been no physiological changes made to him; he has simply learned to tap into the powers enabled in him at numerous points in his life."

"What does that mean?" Teyla asked as she frowned, leaning forward on her elbows. The man glanced at her, his eyes skimming over her face; she caught his sneer before he could look away and she jolted upright at that.

"It means that, while he is human, he has powers that none of you are capable of, enabled by the life he has led and the choices he has made."

"What does that mean?" She repeated in a deathly calm voice.

The man turned to her again, his cool stare sending shivers down her spine. She watched as his eyes flicked over her face, down to her arms to her clasped hands and his eyes lingered there for a long moment while Teyla fought the urge to look down to see what he was looking at; she would not give him that satisfaction.

"It means that when John Sheppard's mother turned her car left instead of right so that the truck would hit _her _side of the car instead of his, an age old contract was signed and his mind became enabled. This old magic, as John Sheppard called it, only strengthened over time by each of the choices he has made." The man's voice was calm, cool and it seemed to Teyla that he spoke only to her despite his eyes moving from person to the next. "When he left his wife so she could be with the man she truly loved, it strengthened. When he made the choice to end Colonel Sumner's life, it strengthened. Each and every time he offered himself in exchange for the lives of his team," his eyes flickered to Teyla at the mention of team and she felt a jolt in her chest, "it strengthened." The man's eyes flicked back to Teyla's hand and Teyla followed his gaze, searching with him for whatever he was looking for. When she looked back up to the nameless Unspeakable, the man's cold stare seared into her. "And when, once again, he made the choice to give another happiness at expense of his own his ability to wield the power of The Enabled increased exponentially."

"That's his _job_," McKay stated after a long moment of silence. "You know, to try and get his team out."

The Unspeakable inclined his head as he assessed Rodney and Teyla felt relief when his eyes left hers.

"Perhaps. But it was not _duty _he felt while acting."

"What was it then?"

The man's lips twitched and he glanced around the room, to each of the five occupants seated around the table before he stared off at nothing.

"Only the most powerful emotion can bind a mind to the old contract. Love."

Teyla felt a lump appear in her throat as the ache in her chest increased. She tried to take a breath but it failed to pass the clog in her throat and she looked down at her hands as she felt the sting of tears at the back of her eyes. She was aware of Elizabeth and Rodney looking at her, perhaps General O'Neill and Woolsey too and she could not bring herself to look up in that moment; not for them, not for herself and certainly not for the Unspeakable in front of her.

"Why doesn't he have any memory of Atlantis?"

Teyla listened, but her head was turned away and from her peripheral vision she could see O'Neill watching her, his expression unfathomable and she bit her lips together to stop the swell of emotion from escaping.

"We removed them."

"What?" Elizabeth exploded at the same time as Rodney and the Unspeakables simple statement was enough to draw Teyla's gaze once more.

"The nature of the power John Sheppard wields means he cannot feel excesses of emotion. During his training, he found it difficult to detach himself from his feelings associated with Atlantis and it's people; it very nearly killed him and a number of our training staff. After careful consideration, the decision was made to remove his memories of Atlantis, thus removing the emotions tied to this place."

"You just... _took _his memories?"

"He chose to have them removed."

Teyla felt it like a punch to her stomach. She clutched ribs tightly, trying to stop the sobs from escaping and she could feel Rodney hovering by her side. She rocked in her seat slightly and fought the gagging sensation that this news brought. John had _chosen _to remove his memories of her, of their time together. He had _chosen _to forget about her. It brought home just how much she must have hurt him, how much he had kept from her because of his damn noble, obtuse pride.

"And you just _let _them?" Elizabeth demanded, her tone no less scathing than previously. "You should have stopped them! You should have ordered him not to!"

"He wanted to do this so he needed to remove the memories. And from what I've been told his memories are being stored in a memory bank somewhere, right?" O'Neill responded and looked to the Unspeakable for clarification.

"Yes," he said with a nod. "It is not uncommon for us to remove memories. Many people have similar difficulties giving up their past emotions, regardless of their desire to." Teyla was sure this man knew exactly what his words were doing to her and she took an instant dislike to the gleeful expression she caught flitting across his face when she turned her eyes up to glare at him. "It was our intention only to remove the memories most potent in his mind but as we sifted through them it became clear that his affinity to this place – to the people in it – was simply too strong. The decision was made to remove all memory of Atlantis. John Sheppard is aware that his memories are incomplete and he knows that he will have to one day make the decision as to whether he wants them returned or not." The man looked back to Teyla. "Though, some memories are better forgotten."

"How could having his memories removed help us in our fight against the Wraith? That's what this mission was for after all, right?"

"Yeah," O'Neill commented. "We had to re-brief him. Sheppard knows Atlantis exists but, as far as he's concerned, it's just another base that he's never been to before."

"Oh, God," Teyla murmured and she closed her eyes. Atlantis had been the only place John had felt truly at home in ever since his mother died. And she had taken that away from him.

"His affinity for Atlantis and his decision to remove his memories for the greater good has in fact been a blessing in disguise." At the raised eyebrows from three of the five people in the room, the Unspeakable continued. "John Sheppard has quickly become one of the most powerful Enabled in many generations. So much so that he requires another Enabled to travel with him to ensure that his power does not become destructive." He shifted slightly and Teyla got the impression the _Unspeakable _was uncomfortable speaking so much. "His continued sacrifice has been his greatest ally in this matter."

The room was silent for a long time after that and the Atlantis personnel glanced to one another, the questions swimming in their minds but none came forth to be asked. Teyla couldn't think beyond John's decision to remove his memories. It hurt; a lot. More than it probably should, considering some of the things that had been said between them in those last few weeks but she still felt the sharp sting of... of... something unable that threatened to consume her. He had given up everything, because of her – again.

"Why John? Why not any of the other personnel who've made that... those same decisions?"

The Unspeakable frowned slightly in thought and Teyla watched him, pondering Elizabeth's question. There were plenty of other men and women in Pegasus, not just Atlantis, who had suffered similar choices to John – why couldn't they have been chosen? Why did it always have to be him?

"it is not simply _his _decisions but the choices, actions and consequences of others. His mother's sacrifice for him sparked his ability. It continued on from there. It is true that there is no great shortage in this galaxy of partially Enabled but John Sheppard's heritage is important also: he has the Ancient gene stronger than most non-Ancients, he has a desire to not only be rid of the Wraith but to be a part of the force that is to eventually rid this galaxy of the Wraith."

"Why not me?" Teyla asked and the Unspeakable turned to her in surprise. "My father sacrificed himself to the Wraith for me; I have made similar choices to John Sheppard – choices made out of love-"

"The Council of the Enabled does not recognise half-breeds," the man sneered and Teyla started at the uncommon derogatory term for her gift.

"Excuse me?"

The man assessed her again, his jaw flexing as his brows furrowed in thought.

"For the same reason the Ancient gene therapy designed by those of Earth didn't take to you; you and your _kind _are no more useful to us than those _hybrids _you people insist on defending."

"I will not tolerate-"

"You can be intolerant, if you desire, Elizabeth Weir but it does not change the fact. The power of the Enabled is descendant from the power of the Ancients and it does not manifest in one who has Wraith genes."

"What about the left over DNA from when Sheppard turned into that bug?"

The man turned his glare on Rodney.

"I said Wraith, not Iratus. While it is true that the Wraith are an evolved version of the Iratus, that is the equivalent to your DNA being compared to that of the amoeba that humans evolved from." The Unspeakable sneered. "But considering your condescension towards the sacred science of human biology, I do not expect you to fully understand that concept Doctor McKay." The Unspeakable stepped back from the centre of the group and tilted his head. "I have only one more message to relay and you can conclude this meeting as your desire, O'Neill."

"What is it?" O'Neill asked, speaking for the first time in a while.

"You must leave this place. You are outwith the jurisdiction of The Council of the Enabled and we cannot protect you if you remain here. You have your choice of planets already I presume?" Elizabeth nodded. "Then you should make your choice soon."

In a flurry, another person appeared for less than a second – dressed in black and Teyla's eyes weren't quick enough to see whether it was John or not – and then in a column of dramatic smoky fog, the two figures were gone.

Teyla sagged in her seat, watching as Elizabeth and Rodney did the same.

"I think that we should call it a day here, don't you think? That was a lot of information to take in."

Elizabeth made to protest but O'Neill interrupted her quickly.

"Woolsey and I will stay here for a couple of days so if you have any questions, we'll be here." He glanced back to Teyla and she met his gaze for a long moment before he looked away. "I don't think this is the end of this, am I right?"

"You're right," Elizabeth said coolly, moving to stand. The others followed but Teyla was slow to her feet. "This is definitely not the end of this."

In another flurry of movement, the briefing room emptied. As Teyla walked along the tunnel towards the corridors Kanaan jumped up from his post in the control room and strode towards her. As he approached, he reached out to take her hands in his but she flinched away from him.

"Teyla?" He asked, his tone full of concern but Teyla could not bring herself to believe she was deserving of it. Not after all that she had just learned. "Are you all right?"

"No." She turned away from him slightly when he reached out to touch her. "I need to be alone for a while," she continued and watched as Kanaan's hybrid features twisted in confusion. "I will explain later; for now, I must think on things."

Kanaan nodded and Teyla stepped away from him. She could not bring herself to look at him as dark thoughts of blame crept into her mind. It was not Kanaan's fault, she reminded herself. But her choices were to blame none the less.

* * *

Next: Flashback to John's training, a glimpse at the memories removed and how he almost killed thirteen people, including himself.


	4. Chapter Three

_**Six Weeks after the Prologue**_

"Harness the power," he murmured as he shook off yet another attack – practice or not, these guys were _tough _– and twisted his neck to stretch the muscles there. "Harness the power..." He shook his head and quirked an eyebrow at himself. "How the _hell _am I supposed to do that?" He grumbled, laughing slightly with self-admonishment. The trainers across from him looked back at him with raised eyebrows and he nodded slightly, shaking his shoulders loose again. "I'm ready."

"We can take a break, if you need to rest."

John frowned to the man – Jez, he was sure his name was – and shook his head. They'd only been at this for an hour or so and while he did feel like his limbs would fall off from exhaustion, he wasn't anywhere near ready to give up.

"I'm fi-"

He was assaulted with a blast of unseen energy that sent him flying across the room and into the wall at the other end. He winced. That was not cool. He waited a few moments and stood up slowly, feeling as well as hearing his back crack in protest. He'd definitely be needing the wonder herbs tonight.

"You were not prepared. What was the first lesson you learned upon stepping into this room?"

John rolled his eyes petulantly as he moved slowly across the room.

"Constant vigilance. Always be on guard." He shook off his impact again and glared at the man who had blasted him – Riador – and huffed. "I know."

He felt the energy in the room shift again and he instantly threw up the shield like he'd been taught to weeks ago. When the energy hit, he fell back a step but the shield held for a good ten or twelve seconds before John felt the tell tale sign of emotional exhaustion and he cursed when his shield fell. He hadn't been able to turn off his emotions very well after the dreams he'd had the night before and despite how much he tried, he couldn't quite flick the switch.

Jez took a step towards him and John felt the energy in the room shift again, his mood lifting and he looked up to Jez with a tight smile of thanks. They had explained the power of the Unspeakables to him – hell, they'd explained the power of the Enabled to him, too but he still wasn't sure he entirely _got _it. He just did what he was told and trained and meditated, trained and meditated.

"You should rest."

--

"_You should rest," Teyla said to him quietly from her place beside him on the balcony. John sighed. He wanted to, more than anything but the news that Todd had brought them had left him reeling. Rather than dividing the Wraith, their plan had made the Queens join their Hives in a preservationist manoeuvre that no one had expected. "You will be able to think more clearly in the morning." He half smiled at her but they both knew it was a half hearted effort at best. "John..."_

_He let out a harsh sigh and pushed away from the railing, his shoulders tense._

"_I will, okay. I just need some time to think." Teyla cocked her eyebrow at him and he shook his head. "Are you going to the new settlement tonight like you had planned?" Teyla shook her head. "Good." She huffed and John squinted at her. "You know I didn't mean it like that." He reached out and brushed the back of his hand down her bare arms. He revelled in her little shiver at his touch. "I've missed you these last few weeks."_

_Teyla smiled up at him and made a move to step closer to him. Acquiescing, he opened his arms and enveloped her in a loose imitation of a hug. Her arms wrapped around his waist and he felt some of the tension melt out of him at her touch. She was good for him, like that._

"_This war takes has taken its toll."_

"_Yeah." He nodded against her head. "It has."_

"_We will survive this," she murmured and John could feel her nuzzle her nose against his chest. _

_He knew she didn't just mean physically._

--

"I do not understand your preoccupation with the half breed."

John narrowed his eyes in anger, feeling the tips of his fingers tingle slightly. He took a step towards Riador and clenched his jaw.

"Don't call her that."

"Control your emotions, John!" Jez said, sounding agonised, from the corner and John snapped his mind's senses shut. Jez was far too sensitive to the emotions of others and while it made him an excellent Unspeakable, it made it difficult for him to be around trainees. Especially trainees as emotionally volatile as Sheppard. That was just their nice way of saying he had whiplash causing mood swings. "Thank you," Jez sighed on an out breath and John nodded.

"Perhaps," Riador said some long moments later, once John had deflated, "you should speak with a Repairer. If your sessions with the Tranquils aren't working then you should consider other alternatives."

John blanched at that. It was true; the Tranquils had been using their strongest herbs on him, combined with the most demanding meditation and suppressing sessions and still he didn't have a handle on his emotions. If anything, suppressing his emotions and refusing to acknowledge his flashbacks during the day were causing his dreams to become more emotive at night. It was a vicious cycle and if he was going to succeed at this, then he really should think about other options. But what were they? He asked the question and really, really wished he hadn't needed to hear the answer.

"Like Readers, Repairers have the ability to read thoughts. Their unique gift is that they can identify memories that are to most emotive and remove them."

John felt his anger hitch again but with a quick glance in Jez's direction, he clamped down on it, swallowing the pained lump that jumped up into his throat.

"You are not removing my memories. They are all I have left." He left off the '_of her'_ that threatened to tack itself onto the end of his statement. Instead, he turned away from his trainers and closed his eyes, channelling his angry energy to his palms. A burst of fiery warmth spread from his fingers and he just managed to turn his hands away from his body in time before the flames leapt out in long strands. A second later, they were gone and John stared at him palms, looking for scorch marks where there was none. "That... was new."

He turned once again to Jez and Riador who both nodded, eyes wide slightly. Jez turned to Riador with a conspiratorial smirk.

"Perhaps his memories can be good for something."

For a moment, it looked like Riador might agree but then the older man grunted and shook his head.

"It's not worth the risk. He could kill someone, could kill himself with anger like that."

"Then perhaps you should not anger him."

John smirked to Riador and nodded in agreement, hoping the seasoned Reader would take the Unspeakable's advice.

"It is not anger at _me _that courses through his system." John deflated and felt the smug grin leave his face. He was annoyed that Riador was right; the man was just poking at a sleeping dragon. "Speak with a Repairer. Figure out a course of action."

John agreed.

--

_He traced lazy patterns on her back, watching the milky moonlight dance across her skin, chasing the shadows of the night away. She was truly beautiful and he wondered again at how lucky he was to be able to call her his own. Not that she would ever __**know **__he considered her a possession of his, because he didn't really, but she'd kick his ass for thinking that way, anyway._

_John couldn't remember a time when he'd felt so... content. Ever. Even with Nancy, there had been a self-consciousness. A sense of how he __**should **__be feeling. With Teyla, there was none of that. It just __**was **__and what it was, was right. _

_He felt like a sap. He __**was **__a sap – for her. _

_After his disaster of a marriage to Nancy, he had made a vow never to make __**that **__vow again but, lying there beside Teyla, he couldn't imagine a better way to spend the rest of his life. He didn't __**need**__ to marry her. But he wanted to. _

_Would they have an Earth wedding? An Athosian wedding? He didn't know. They'd never discussed marriage so he didn't even know if she believed in it. He made a mental note to ask Halling about Athosian marriage customs because for all he knew, giving her a ring (he felt giddy, at even just the thought) could be a very, very bad symbolic gesture. Especially considering how the Athosians felt about the 'Ring of the Ancestors'. No. He would definitely need to check that out before he made any sort of grand gesture like that._

"_Are you enjoying yourself?" Her sleep strained voice asked and John looked away from her back to her face and smiled slightly when he met her eyes. He dropped the lock of hair he'd been playing with and brushed the pads of his fingers down her spinal column. She shivered and his body flinched towards her in response. She licked her lips slowly, drawing John's gaze there and he could do nothing but lean forward and repeat the motion with his own tongue. She smiled languidly against him, rolling onto her back with exaggerated slowness. John didn't need any more encouragement and moved his body over hers, deepening the kiss as his legs tangled with hers. _

_He was definitely enjoying himself now._

--

_John Sheppard had never felt as alone as he did in that moment. He felt Teyla's presence beside him in her bed but he couldn't really feel __**her**__. Since Woolsey's comments about the inappropriateness of their relationship, he had felt her withdrawing from him. He hated it. He hated Woolsey and the IOA and he hated Teyla for giving into them._

_Couldn't she see that she meant more to him than whether or not he made it to a full bird Colonel. _

_He rolled onto his side, facing the wall and sighed. It was an empty threat, anyway. It wasn't up to the IOA whether he got a promotion or not. And besides, General O'Neill liked him. _

_He rolled onto his back and balled his fists as anger coursed through him. It was unfair. Part of John wished that Atlantis had stayed cut off from Earth because at least that way the IOA couldn't try and have influence over what went on. Being on Atlantis was a matter of survival; neither he nor Elizabeth, not anyone else, could afford to stop and second guess if what they were doing was 'by the rules'. _

_His anger flared and he closed his eyes. When he opened them, the sheets were on fire._

--

John sprang from the bed and turned back to stare at his anger's handiwork. The small burn marks on the white sheets would have been amusing to him under any other circumstances but John was not in the mood. He'd had a gruelling session with the Tranquils and they had given him some kind of absolutely horrendous herb that had sent him careening into walls and bulkheads and God knows what else as he'd tried to navigate his way back to his quarters. He was tired, emotionally spent and he just really, really wanted to see... to be back on Atlantis.

In that moment, he wished for nothing more.

He sighed and took a deep breath. He really had to speak to a Repairer.

--

"_What do you mean you're staying here?"_

"_These are my people, John. I cannot just leave them. Michael has-"_

"_Michael is gone. Carson is working on the cure for Hybridity."_

_She laughed, unkindly._

"_Perhaps some of my people do not wish for a cure."_

_He felt a cold lump land heavily in his gut._

"_What?"_

_-_

"_How long will you be gone?"_

"_I do not know."_

"_What about us? What about this?"_

_She sighed and turned to him for the first time since he'd arrived in her quarters._

"_Your superiors will be pleased by my decision."_

_-_

_Back in his quarters, all traces of Teyla were gone._

_-_

"_I heard she's with someone on Athos."_

_John pushed his plate away, his appetite suddenly gone. He stared at Ronon, waiting for him to continue. When he didn't, John rose to leave._

"_Thanks, Ronon. Just what I needed to hear."_

"_I don't think she's comin' back."_

_John didn't want to hear that._

_-_

John gasped as the Repairer pulled out his mind, the memories floating back from the surface to the murky filing cabinet he'd tried to keep them hidden in. He took a few deep breaths, swiping angrily at the tears that _dared _leak out of his eyelids and looked up at the Repairer.

"Well?"

The Repairer looked pained and John forced himself to remember that everyone aside from the Enabled were Unspeakables too. She could feel what John was feeling; what his memories had made him feel and he fought off the anger and shame and tried to put the lid back on. It didn't work; the assault had been brutal and longer than he was used to and he was spent. Too spent to think practically.

"Your attachment to Atlantis... to this woman is very deep. It's an emotional bond that... your tie to her is tethered to your tie to Atlantis. I do not know if there is any one memory I can remove to take that tie away. Your life and hers are inextricably linked."

John closed his eyes. Ever since he'd gone to Atlantis, ever since he'd met Teyla, he'd felt things for her. He couldn't disassociate Teyla and Atlantis. In his mind, they were one.

"What can you do?"

The Repairer paused for too long and John looked up, feeling a different lump forming in his gut. He knew, without he needing to say the words. He had a choice to make.

A choice? It was hardly a choice. It was...

His memories of Teyla, or succession in his mission? He couldn't make that choice. He couldn't give her up... could he?

If he did choose...

"We have a memory bank, a store for the memories removed. It happens often. Granted, not in a case as... large as yours but we have had to remove memories before." She moved to a desk and rifled through the drawers and pulled out a long crystal object. "Your memories can be downloaded onto this and stored in the bank, if you wish."

John looked at the crystal. It looked like Asgard technology but he decided not to ask. These people were a convalescence of knowledge. He didn't need to know more than that.

"I won't have any recollection of her?"

"I would need to remove all of your memories of Atlantis." The air left his lungs in a rush at that. "You will be aware that there is a gap in your memory, there is no subterfuge here."

"And I can get them back, once this is over?" The Repairer nodded quickly. John closed his eyes. "Do it." He licked his lips. "Take them all."

The Repairer sighed and John opened his eyes.

"It takes time to set up the system and the mind for such an operation. You must visit with the Tranquils. Tell them what is happening. They will know what to do."

"I thought it was the Repairers that did memory removals?"

The Repairer nodded.

"It is. The mind must be prepared; it is not an easy task and there are dangers. Your visit with the Tranquils will ease your mind. They will open up the connections in your mind and bring forward the memories that need to be removed. The next few hours will be a difficult time for you, John Sheppard. From what I have seen and felt in the short time you have been here, I am thankful that I will not be the Unspeakable in the room during that time."

John could only imagine.


	5. Chapter Four

Chapter Four

_John left Doctor Weir's office and made his way through the city towards where Doctor McKay had made his home. He passed by windows, each time looking out to the water that surrounded them. It was still astonishing to him that the city was underwater, after all of these years protected by an invisible force shield. John's pretty sure he wouldn't have believed it if he hadn't seen it with his own eyes._

_As he wandered down the corridors – foregoing those turbo lift thingies partly because he wasn't sure where the labs were on the map and partly because he wasn't confident enough in the city's 'power' to risk detachment of limbs – he passed by numerous groups of civilians, chattering away in what could probably be foreign languages but was most likely just scientific jargon. Having been brought into the expedition at quite literally the last moment, he still wasn't entirely sure what __**spontaneous activation¸ wormhole hyperdrive avionics **__or __**mass compression of air **__were all about but..._

_He poked his head into a couple of rooms looking for the arrogant scientist he'd met on the first day but as he wandered further into the depths of the labs, he realised he needn't look. Rodney McKay had a voice as loud and as irritating as a fog horn. Or a radio stuck between stations. When he got to the lab McKay had claimed as his own (it was, of course, the main lab and about three times the size of any the others), the Canadian was yelling at some poor girl who looked like she would start crying within the minute. Sheppard cleared his throat and McKay cast him an irritated glance before resuming his ranting._

"_Hey, doc," Sheppard called and McKay turned to him and sighed in exasperation and Sheppard could imagine the Canadian was trying very hard not to roll his eyes or stick his hand on his hip. "A word?" He half asked and jerked his head out into the corridor._

_McKay stood firm._

"_I'm rather busy, Major, if you please..."_

"_It's important."_

_McKay seemed to swither before barking at the young woman that she could leave._

"_What?"_

"_I'm putting together a team – Weir's appointed me Atlantis Recon Team One and she wants me to have a scientific presence-"_

"_Yes, yes, she told me. I'll draw up a list of possible candidates and have one of your lackies bring them to you. Now, excuse me, I really need-"_

"_I was thinking you," Sheppard commented and wandered further into the lab, fingering various devices while ignoring McKay's imitation of a goldfish._

"_What?"_

_Sheppard turned to him then and leaned his hip against the workbench, crossing his arms over his chest._

"_Yeah, I was thinking you could be the scientific presence on my team."_

_McKay snorted._

"_No."_

_Sheppard was surprised that he was surprised by McKay's reaction. _

"_Why not?"_

"_How do you expect me to head up the science department __**and **__work on your team. I'm sorry, it can't be done."_

"_I'm sure Zelenka would do a good job being head. It's what Weir said when I asked her about you being on my team."_

_McKay's goldfish impression was back and Sheppard took a great deal of pleasure from the sight. If McKay lost the attitude, Sheppard could imagine he'd be quite a cool guy._

"_Zelenka? Zelenka? Are you... No. Zelenka is incompetent and useless and-"_

"_Hm," Sheppard said and looked around the lab in feigned thought. "And he says such nice things about you."_

"_He does?" McKay said, surprised and Sheppard snorted, shaking his head. "Right." There was a long silence and Sheppard fought not to fill it. Instead, he looked to the white board behind McKay and scanned the formulae scrawled there. He made to approach it and change some of the numbers around when McKay's voice interrupted him. "... didn't come all this way just to have __**him **__make a mess of the system. Put him in charge and the city won't last ten minutes."_

"_Well, you could be partners." McKay snorted. "He could be your second in command, you delegate all the paper work to him," he said as he shrugged. McKay narrowed his eyes._

"_Did your superiors teach you that?"_

_Sheppard shrugged again._

"_It's what I'm doing to Lorne." That got a snicker from McKay. "I want you on my team, McKay." _

"_I can't even shoot a gun! I've never even held one let alone shot one on target before!"_

_Sheppard rolled his eyes._

"_No one is expecting you to be Rambo." McKay made to interrupt again but Sheppard lifted his hand and silenced him. "It's Atlantis' primary recon team. That means we get all the good missions and just think of all the nice Ancient tech we could come across. Do you really trust anyone else to be the first one to touch it?"_

_Sheppard smirked as McKay seemed to seriously consider what he'd said. Weir had told him that the only way to reach McKay was through his ego. He hadn't entirely believed her but... Now he knew better. _

"_Well... no, not really but-"_

"_Think about it." Sheppard wasn't taking no for an answer. He made to walk out of the room but paused, deciding to do something quite out of character. "Come on, it's dinner time."_

"_Ooohh!"_

_McKay fell into step behind him and as they neared the turbo lift – everyone knew where the mess hall was – Sheppard glanced over his shoulder to McKay with a grin._

"_I hear there's lemon chicken."_

_McKay paled._

"_Oh ha, ha."_

_--_

_The Satedans were the first - and possibly the only - advanced civilisation the Atlantis expedition had come across in its first year and a half of exploration. It was no secret to either side that the advanced state of the civilisation meant they ran a higher risk of Wraith attack than any of the others but it did little to deter the fledgling trade between the two. They exchanged info and tactics, technology and people through weekly data bursts and quick, sporadic visits (neither Sheppard nor Weir were particularly keen to lose more men to an attack) and there even grew between some of the people an odd friendship of sorts._

_In Specialist Ronon Dex, John Sheppard saw a kindred spirit – a man whose life was the military and the people around him but who also loved a woman when he probably shouldn't. It had been Ronon who had called Sheppard up on his mooning, during Dex's second or third visit to Atlantis. Sheppard hated to think he was that transparent but... He had conceded with a quiet nod and a sip of beer that okay, maybe he __**did **__have a thing for the leader of the Athosians._

_When Rodney had insulted them, and when Sheppard deliberately didn't tell them about Michael (which they found out about, anyway) it had led to strained relations between them. But still, it was Atlantis the Satedans dialled when the Wraith eventually did attack. Only a handful of soldiers stumbled through the gate and Sheppard had laid into Ronon for waiting so long to dial Atlantis. Aside from the twelve soldiers in the room and the two medical personnel, there was no one left. And Ronon, being the senior officer left, had made the decision to get to Atlantis and preserve the Satedan memory. _

_But two days later, when Teyla returned from an offworld trading mission, John was surprised to find himself called to the hallway that ran through the living area of the City where Ronon held Teyla at gun point._

"_Woaw, buddy, what's going on?" Sheppard asked as he stepped between two armed Marines, despite their protests. In his chest, his heart was rattling against his rib cage and when he glanced to Teyla he was envious of her calm demeanour. She was simply staring at Ronon, her face blank as her chest rose and fell with each steady breath. "Ronon?"_

"_You need to get rid of her, Sheppard," Ronon said gruffly, his finger tightening on the trigger of his gun and John held up his hand – glad that it wasn't shaking – and gestured for Ronon to slow down. "It's because of her kind that my people are dead."_

_John frowned._

"_What are you talking about?"_

"_He means those of us with the Wraith DNA." John looked to Teyla but she wasn't looking at him. Her gaze continued to stay locked on Ronon's, her voice unwavering._

"_The Queens are using them to decide which planets it would be best to cull and what ones are best to destroy," Ronon sneered and pressed his gun further against Teyla's head. John gulped back the lump of fear and took a step closer to them. _

"_Ronon, don't do this."_

_Ronon turned to him then, his dark eyes fierce with a fiery anger and pain that John knew he couldn't empathise with. _

"_She'll ruin you."_

"_She won't." Ronon snorted. "She's been practicing with her ability; she even managed to take over a Queen's mind and-"_

"_Then you're even more at risk."_

"_Which of your people had this gift, Ronon?" Teyla asked calmly, her limp hands curling slightly as Ronon's gun scraped across her forehead. _

"_Gift? It's a curse, a curse on all of the planets in this galaxy who are unfortunate enough to have people like __**you **__living amongst them!"_

"_That's enough!" John demanded, his hand rising to latch onto Ronon's unwavering wrist. "Who was it, Ronon?"_

_Ronon turned back to Sheppard then, his eyes showing the slightest hint of vulnerability there. John fought hard not to extort that._

"_Melena."_

_John let out a long, low breath at that and his hand tightened around Ronon's wrist for a moment before he slid his hand over the gun. _

"_Don't do this, Ronon," John said quietly, trying to convey with his tone and his eyes what both men knew John couldn't say. Ronon's wrist wavered slightly and John urged the weapon lower, until it was trained on Teyla's chest instead. "If you had really wanted to kill her, you would have done it already."_

_Ronon made a sound of frustration and spun his weapon away from Teyla, sheathing it in its holster at his hip. He spun away from them both and strode away from them. John stepped in front of Teyla, his arms going behind him slightly in a protective manner as he saw her shoulders slump in his periphery. He watched until Ronon spun at the end of the corridor before he waved away the Marines. Ronon came back then, and John let his hand rest on his sidearm as Ronon stood towering over him. They met each other, eye for eye, before Ronon grunted and turned away._

"_You're an idiot if you don't do something about this," Ronon murmured and stalked off. _

_The day after, the Satedans moved out of Atlantis._

_--_

_The Satedans had done a quick job of spreading the word about the Cursed and now pretty much every village they went to had heard about how the Queens took over the mind of those who had the Wraith gene. For the most part, they had managed to dispel some of the fear but promoted the exercise of caution and Teyla had even offered to train those with gene in how to fight back against the invasion._

_So when they went to a planet and Teyla was immediately whisked away, John wasn't really surprised to learn that the Satedans were still there. _

"_What's going on, buddy?" He asked Ronon as they were escorted into the village, disarmed. _

"_They know she's one of them," Ronon replied before ducking out of the conversation and into a small hut like house on the other side of the square. John watched him, resentment rising up in his chest. _

"_What are you going to do with her?" He asked Tyre, one of the Satedans who had served under Ronon._

"_Do what her kind did to us." John frowned. "She'll be executed, just like the others were."_

_John felt his blood run cold._

_Back in Atlantis – after they'd managed to convince Ronon and the others that they were __**not **__going to leave Teyla behind to die – John at Elizabeth were at loggerheads again._

"_They're going to __**execute **__her, Elizabeth!"_

"_This is a diplomatic situation," she countered, her deathly calm a stark contrast to John's vibrating anger, "you can't go in guns blaz-"_

"_This isn't the God damn UN and we aren't the United States of America. This is about survival and-"_

"_We can't risk setting this off. If we go in and start shooting we are alienating ourselves from potential allies."_

"_Allies you are willing to kill one of your own!" Elizabeth made a face and John balked. "Or don't you consider her one of your own, Elizabeth?"_

"_Of course I do but-"_

"_If it was me, or Rodney we wouldn't be having this conversation."_

"_Don't be ridiculous, John. I'm just not willing to risk losing potential allies because of your-" she cut herself off and John glared at her, daring her to continue. She didn't._

"_I will not tolerate being allies with people who are willing to kill innocent people." Elizabeth didn't say anything and in that moment, John had no respect for her. "I'm going back there, Elizabeth, whether you agree to it or not." Elizabeth signalled the two Marines outside the room to enter and John smirked, letting out an unamused laugh. "You're going to arrest me?"_

"_You are attempting a military coup of command, Major. I can't allow that." She turned to the guards. "Take him to the brig."_

"_Ma'am?"_

"_You heard me."_

_John was too shocked to put up much of a fight._

_Two hours later, Lorne had busted him out and they were on their way to the village, three tactical units spreading out around them._

"_It wasn't difficult to get them to come," Lorne said as they got closer to the village. John turned to him and quirked his eyebrow. "She needs soldiers too much to keep us in the brig for too long and besides... she can't exactly court martial us, can she?"_

_John snorted lightly and shook his head._

"_You're playing a dangerous game, Major," Sheppard murmured but Lorne simply shrugged._

"_It's like you said, Sir. It's survival."_

_John couldn't disagree._

_In the village, they found that they got there perhaps not just in time but still, not quite too late. Guns blazing was no longer an issue, he realised as he watched them lead Teyla to the shooting post and he tried to meet her eyes but she wouldn't look up. John turned to Ronon._

"_If you let her die, I swear to God..."_

_Ronon turned to him, his face blank._

"_You'll what? Kill me?" Ronon took the muzzle of John's P-90 and pointed it at his own chest. "Go ahead."_

"_What about the memory of your people, Ronon? Doing this tarnishes the integrity of your people's memory." Something shifted in Ronon's eyes and John let a smile slowly take over his face. "That's more like it."_

_Forty minutes later, they were back in Atlantis and Carson was tending to Teyla while John was avoiding Elizabeth by visiting her. _

"_Is Ronon well?" She asked and John looked at her like she had grown two heads. She laughed lightly as she pressed her cheek against the pillow, staring at him as he sat beside her bed. "He is not his people; it is because of him, I believe, that it took so long for my 'execution'. He knew you would come back for me."_

_John flushed slightly and looked down to his hands. He looked at the cabinet beside her bed, finding the grey there suddenly very interesting._

"_Yeah, well... he would," he mumbled and when he chanced a glance up, Teyla was smiling down at him. He couldn't find it in himself to be embarrassed. He looked down again and he almost jumped out of his skin when he felt her fingers in his hair and he looked up at her sharply, questioning._

"_Major Lorne told me what you did..." he made to brush her off but she glared at him and he quieted. "Thank you... Knowing that you would do that for me... for someone who is not of your world..."_

_John doesn't know what to say, especially with the way her fingers are nestled in his hair and oh __**God**__ it's a much better feeling than he ever imagined it to be. He sighed, knowing he should say something but not knowing __**what**__._

"_I'm not really good at... uh..." He paused as her fingers move in his hair, almost purring at the sensation of her short nails scraping across his scalp (he's pathetic, he knows this). "Actually, I'm terrible at expressing... uh..." He trailed off pathetically, chancing another glance up at her and was surprised to see she was smiling down at him, bemused._

"_Feelings?" He snorted and nodded, feeling his cheeks flush again but she doesn't say anything else._

"_I would do anything... for anyone of you."_

_He looked up then to find Teyla smiling at him, all teeth and happiness and he couldn't help but grin back at her. He reached up and took her wrist in his palm, retracting her hand from his hair. He settled her arm back on the bed and couldn't look at her as he covered her hand with his own. They sat there like that, palm to palm, silent for a long while, listening to the comings and goings of the infirmary. Eventually she shifted and John looked up at her, frowning at the discontent he saw on her face._

"_You all right?" He asked, bringing his other hand up to run up her arm to her shoulder but she smiles and ushers him back to his seat._

"_I think the Satedans are right," she began and John scoffed but she narrowed her eyes at him again. "When I was in the cell, I felt..." she looked away, pulling her hand from his grasp but John didn't bring his arm back to himself. "I felt the presence of a Queen in my mind." She looked down at her hands as she fiddled with the skin between her fingers. "If I had been less strong... she would have overtaken my mind, she would have seen how many people were on that planet... she would have sent her Hive to cull." She took a breath and John waited for her to continue. She didn't._

"_Teyla...This gift you have," her eyes flickered to his at his word choice and John narrowed his eyes, daring her to contradict him. "It's dangerous and you're doing what you can to fight back at the Wraith... No one could have known the Wraith would do this... You can't blame yourself. You can't blame yourself for not..." he struggled again to find the words and he mentally cursed himself. He had to get better at this. "You can't help everyone because if you try to help everyone you forget about yourself. I need you – __**we**__ need you to be at the top of your game... You didn't let her see what she wanted. Don't blame yourself for that."_

_She didn't say anything for a long time and John shifted uncomfortably in his chair, itching to feel her skin again but reluctant to put her in an uncomfortable situation. She shifted, moving to lie on her side and John was glad for the unobstructed view he now had of her face. He smiled up to her, watching as she looked at the hand he had resting at her stomach, then back up to his eyes. _

"_Thank you."_

_She smiled at her and thought, to hell with it, and wrapped his fingers around her hand again. She stilled for a moment and John fought the urge to run away but she smiled then, letting out a small breath. John smirked at her playfully and squeezed her fingers._

"_Don't go feeling, special. I'd have done the same for any one of you..." he trailed off as she rolled her eyes, amused and he was glad he'd managed to pull her from the guilt. "Except maybe McKay."_

_She rolled her eyes again and laughed, turning her hand beneath his and squeezed his fingers hard. A thrill shot through him at that and he snorted internally. _

"_Yes, even Rodney," she countered and John play-thought for a moment and then conceded with a nod. John leaned back in his seat then, satisfied and closed his eyes, relishing in the touch. A few minutes passed before Teyla spoke his name again. He made a noise in the back of his throat indicating that he'd heard but he didn't open his eyes._

"_You do though." He cracked an eye open to look at her, all vulnerable and soft and staring at him. He quirked an eyebrow in question and she smiled softly to him, squeezing his fingers again. "Make me feel special."_

_He smiled and closed his eye again, rubbing his thumb against her skin._

"_Good."_

_--_

"_Teyla?" He asked, looking down at her as she lay with her head in his lap. She looked away from the TV screen and peered up at him sleepily and John smiled. He never thought he could love someone like this; it had never been like this with Nancy. "Things have been... okay with us, right?" He asked and she turned onto her back, bringing her hand up to play with the fabric of his tee shirt and she watched him. He tried to smile through the clenching in his stomach._

"_Yes... Why?"_

_He looked away then and licked his lips before looking back down to her._

"_I want to marry you."_

_Teyla stared up at him blankly for a moment before she frowned and at up, turning on her bum to face him._

"_Marry me?"_

_He looked away from her and nodded, feeling foolish all of a sudden. When he'd asked Halling about this, the older man had been thrilled. He'd gone on to explain the rituals – surprisingly like those of Earth – and John had felt at ease about his decision for the first time since that night he'd first thought of it. _

"_Yeah it means-"_

"_I know what it means." John couldn't look at her. He had thought of the possibility that she would say no but Ronon had managed to convince him that was an impossibility. He should never have asked her. "I just did not think it was an option."_

_John frowned._

"_What do you mean?"_

_He felt her hand on his jaw, urging him to look at her and he turned his face in her direction but couldn't bring his eyes up to her face. He was a coward._

"_You have been married before. I did not think it was something you wanted again. I had settled myself with what we have."_

_John brought his eyes up to hers then and saw the cautious optimism there, and felt her hand tremble on his cheek. He covered that hand with one of his own._

"_I __**want **__to marry you, Teyla. More than anything."_

_She smiled, beautiful ad loving and John fought with every ounce of his body not to pull her into his arms and kiss her senseless._

"_I want to marry you, too."_

_He gave into temptation and drew her to him, pulled her onto his lap and worshipped her mouth, her body until the sun rose on the day that would change it all._

_Twelve hours later they made successful contact with Earth. Four hours after that, Woolsey set foot on Atlantis._

_Three weeks after that, Teyla left him to live amongst the hybrids, the promise he'd given her lying broken on the empty shelves of their shared quarters._

_Four months after that, General O'Neill approached Lieutenant Colonel John Sheppard about a secret mission._

_--_

Lyn-Ann watched the memories as they flickered across the screen. It had taken seven Unspeakables – the first almost dead from exhaustion -, three days and the Repairers strongest medicines for the memories of Atlantis and its people to be removed from John Sheppard's mind. It was painful for her to watch for she had been a Romantic back on Earth and the pain this man had endured for his love was... astronomical.

She sighed and slid the memory crystal into an empty slot in the bank and typed his name into the computer screen above the now blue crystal.

She went back to the recovery room and sat at the edge of John Sheppard's bed, absorbing his much less tumultuous emotions as he slept a dreamless sleep. Every so often she reached out and stroked his sweaty hair from his face. He had fought hard against them, fought to keep the memories despite his choice for them to remove them. She knew why.

Some memories were worth fighting for.


End file.
